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Becoming Hospitable to Ideas for Writing

I am focusing most of my efforts this year on being hospitable,” the friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers, ” as defined by google. As the anxiety of what that statement will mean for me rises, I plan to practice this skill on ideas first, and people later.

May the Force be with you

Perhaps the reason I feel the need to be hospitable this year, is because I feel like something is coming. Something awesome. This is to be the year of the cinnamon roll, as I explained in my previous post.

On New Year’s Eve, I met a 7 year old boy, with a light saber, and a fresh padawan haircut. He told me to have a very happy new year. What happened next confirmed my suspicion that 2020 is going to be epic. I swear the he looked right into my soul and said, “May the Force be with you.” Oh yeah, and…. it was his birthday.

Now, there are too many incredible things about this to deny this was a specific message and blessing coming to me from a true Jedi in training. I mean, how is this different than if I had met a genuine medicine man, in Bali, reading my palm and proclaiming my future? It isn’t. Technically, only one of these things could actually happen in real life, as Elizabeth Gilbert described in Eat, Pray, Love.

According to Wookieepedia, a site I have recently discovered for all things Star Wars, when someone says “May the Force be with you,” they are wishing you well in the face of an impending challenge. I am wise enough to know that the year ahead is paved with boulders and sheer drop offs, so how to honor the blessing I received ?By getting organized and making a plan.

Creating a space

The writing nook formerly known as office closet

Goal setting reminds me a little too much about being SMART, and lets just say, I’m taking a little break from that for now. Instead, I’m choosing to focus on building habits. Creating a habit becomes so much easier when you set up a supportive environment.

Throughout life, I have always shared space with others. It seems like a luxury to have a whole room to myself. I mean a place to close the door and decorate the walls with whatever I want. So, I decided to give myself our office closet. It’s just big enough to be hospitable. Marion Roach Smith teaches that “being hospitable begins with preparing a clean, well-lighted desk, and reporting to it each day,” in her book The Memoir Project. The closet is all cleaned out, and ready to host lots of ideas.

My little closet will now and forever be lovingly referred to as the writing nook, which is just so much more inviting. For now, its an affordable space for ideas to stay on a budget. Hopefully, it will be renovated someday to a quaint cottage with a garden, or a mountain resort where ideas are making reservations in advance to make their way into my writing.

Value your work

Little ways of being hospitable to ideas

In spite of not having a “writing nook” over the past year, I have still established a writing habit. Spiral bound notebooks are the easiest for me to fill. They are cheap, and therefore less pressure, and they provide the space. I was being hospitable without even knowing it. It’s not like I was providing a bed and breakfast for ideas, but they could crash on my couch. I mean, I’m not a monster.

Most importantly, my new writing nook is not only a gift, but its physical proof of a promise I am making to myself. I can do this, my work is important. Heck, I’m using it right now to write this post. It’s quiet, and all my resources are handy. I know I don’t need the space to create. That in itself is proof that I can do this. I truly do have everything I need already inside me to become an author. Maybe it will even help me be more welcoming to people?

I am not a Jedi in training, nor is it my birthday. Maybe you are already hospitable to ideas and people. Still, I hope that whatever comes this year the Force will be with you.

Thanks for reading!

Like Butter on Pancakes, or What I’ve learned after a Year of Writing

There is a wonderful children’s book called Like Butter on Pancakes by Johnathan London that describes the perfect day in the country where the sun streams in and melts on your pillow. Butter on pancakes is an appropriate metaphor to describe the blessings and hardships of the year, and developing a habit of writing.

The pancakes, or the stuff the butter sits on

I really like butter, pancakes not so much. Even science is coming around to the fact that butter is probably good for you. Turns out, pancakes are just the thing that holds all the good stuff. You can’t just eat a plate of butter and syrup. I guess you could, but you might not feel very good about it.

This year has been a plate full of pancakes. Like, all you can eat pancakes for me, emotionally. Remember, I said I don’t really like pancakes. They aren’t even sweet enough to be called cakes. They are just a flat piece of heavy kinda cooked dough. 2019 was a giant stack of dry, thick pancakes that I could’ve choked on if not for the butter.

In order to tackle the stacks, I set a goal at the beginning of 2019 that I would write 500 words every day. In order to stop complaining, I started a blog and named it Rachel What If.. and even published something almost every month. A brain dump in a spiral notebook each morning is an invaluable way to put things in their proper place, instead of vomiting them in random conversations where they don’t belong.

Butter, or the good stuff I’ve learned

Aside from the constant love and support of my family as I struggled through this year, developing a writing habit has been the butter. Butter makes everything richer, easier to swallow. Here are the big takeaways from this year:

  • You have to understand yourself before you can understand others.
  • Stop being so disappointed in yourself so you can stop being disappointed in others.
  • When you love yourself fully, you listen to your tears, are compassionate about your shortcomings, and understand your anxiety as a gift from your better, wiser self.
  • Love and fear can be in the same room at the same time, but fear cannot be the one making any decisions.

Writing is how I introduce myself to myself. It is how I find out things I thought I had forgotten. It is how I discover what I really think, and how I get rid of all the stuff that doesn’t matter.

Some of the most relevant books I read this year by Elizabeth Gilbert, Ann Lamott, and Stephen King allow me to put things in perspective.

The Cinnamon Roll, or A Year of Rachel What If

If I could eat anything for breakfast, without guilt, or gaining lots of weight, it would be warm gooey cinnamon rolls. There is butter all through those babies. In fact, maybe 2020 will be the year of the cinnamon rolls.

As I think about this last year, I wouldn’t take back a single pancake. While considering what to call the blog a year ago, I settled on Rachel What If because what if is the very beginning. It’s the place where all good stories start.

I’ve been reading Stephen King’s book On Writing, and this morning, he reminded me again why the name of my blog is so appropriate. He says on page 169, “The most interesting situations can usually be expressed as a What If question.” Reading this at this time, I know it’s more than a coincedence. The year of writing that began with a What If question: What if I am a writer? It’s pretty cool to have lived a year of it.

Look what I just found laying around the house. Coincidence? I think not.

A Skeptic’s Guide to a Transcendent Weekend in Sedona, AZ

According to visitsedona.com, “Sedona has the ability to transform lives.” Having visited recently with my mom and sisters, I don’t know that my life has been transformed, however, we did experience a bit of transcendence.

Now hold on, before you assume that we were running around naked, chanting around a bonfire, or sitting on mats in true yogi form, lets define transcendence. It’s just a word that means beyond the normal, or average ordinary experience.

  • Girls Trip!
  • Oak Creek Canyon
The Descent into Transcendence

While driving through Oak Creek Canyon, into Sedona, I remember being so inspired that I was actually talking to myself, out loud…alone… in my car. The drop into the canyon is unexpected,and the scenery dramatically changes from the generally flat, desert terrain of the Colorado plateau to the steep red rock canyons. The creek is shaded with lush cottonwood, maple, and willow trees, which are a rare treat for us South westerners. This makes for a “beyond normal” experience, while the curving road offers opportunities for discoveries around every bend.

Paddle boarding, Hiking, and Biking

Sedona is like Disney World for outdoor enthusiasts. There is no way you could do it all in a weekend. My sister booked the perfect house for us to stay that comfortably fit all of us. There was even a trail that began right in our driveway.

Our first day, we decided to look for nearby paddleboarding, which actually ended up being about a 30-45 minute drive. Well worth it for us because this was a big reason for our get together. This area is hard to find, so check out this site for more info.

  • From desert to jungle? Paddle boarding is scarce, but we found it.
  • Paddling under the Toozigoot Bridge

The second day of our trip, we wanted to hit Slide Rock State Park, which is one of Travel Channel’s top ten swimming holes. It was so crowded we couldn’t park anywhere within a mile walking distance to the entrance. We decided instead on a hike recommended by our house hosts called “The Crack.” The info we found claimed it was only about a 3.5 mile hike one way, but it still took us at least an hour and a half to get there. The swimming hole was absolutely breathtaking!

We also managed to find the time to do a loop on our bikes on the Bell Rock Pathway .

The Bell Rock Pathway was perfect riding for us. We like to think we are a little more than beginning riders.
Finding Transcendence in the Vortex

All of us are constantly searching for our needs to be met in various ways. While preparing to become a teacher, I studied Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and how it applies to children and adults. I love the the way this theory neatly organizes and explains human behavior. I’d like to think that our girls trip was so fulfilling because it met our needs at every level. Of course our sense of belonging being the biggest chunk. What is even more interesting, is that Maslow later added transcendence to the top of the pyramid. He explained, ” A person is motivated by values which transcend beyond the personal self.”

Having never heard of such things as vortexes, (vortices?) we had no idea that our girls trip would be smack dab in the center of one. Maybe there is a little truth to Sedona’s claim to changing lives. Turns out, we were filling each other’s need to laugh, connect, and support each other. We transcended our every day lives by being together.

Vortex or not, we were inspired by the beauty of the earth and the connections of our hearts. We were recharged by challenging ourselves in physical adventures, or relaxing on our deck together. We were uplifted by each other’s love and support, and the majestic views. If you get the chance to go, don’t expect to be transformed. Instead, look for opportunities of transcendence.

The changing seasons in Southern Colorado remind me I am not invisible.

When the leaves change in Southern Colorado, the display of colors kind of demand your attention. Fall is beautiful, but, for me, it has a way of bringing with it feelings of loneliness, and somehow I start to feel a little bit invisible. I’m sure it has to do with how busy my family gets in the back to school, back to sports, back to business as usual, that I start to actually mourn the loss of our carefree summer months. This year, I’m getting a very clear message to pay attention, and that I have a whole lot in common with a leaf.

Yellow Yellow Yellow
Yellow is my favorite

Did you know when leaves change from green to yellow, orange, or red, those colors were actually there all along? The leaves themselves are not actually changing, it’s their environment that is. The days are shorter and colder, which forces the plant to stop making chlorophyll. This causes the green to disappear, allowing the other colors to become visible. The most vivid and common color: yellow.

Yellow has always been my favorite color. It’s so cheerful and sunny. It’s not all loud and energetic like red. I do like green as well, which reminds me of abundance and life. Sometimes, I feel other colors, or want to love them, but yellow has always been what I most identify with.

Not invisible, just hidden

So you see, like those leaves, I have discovered that I am not invisible. It’s okay to be all covered up in green for a while. As I said before, I like green. I love my life and am so abundantly blessed. What I am trying to say here is that I believe fall is happening just for me this year. Sorry everyone else. When you look out at the landscape, what is the color you see most? Yellow. I kinda feel bad too, because Summer has always been my favorite season and truthfully it always will be. But this year, I’m getting a great big hug from fall. It feels so good.

  • Fall canyon
  • Molli with fish!
  • He let me have this one.

It seems extra important during the changing seasons to get outside and experience it. Why else do people jump in huge leaf piles but to get the season literally all over them? Mostly, I wrote this post so I could show off my pictures of us getting outside to get fall all over us. However, I have been feeling a little invisible lately, and not in the way that would be awesome if you were a super hero. I hope fall is happening just for you this year too. I also hope you know you are not invisible either! (Unless you really want to be 🙂

  • Jason, on the bridge to the Silverton cabin.
  • My dog Blue

As always, thanks for reading and for your awesome support.

Rachel

Peace and Perspective on the Silverton to Lake City Loop.

Waterfalls and mountains are still the best places to gain perspective and peace.

I usually can’t pass up a good self-help book. Maybe it’s a weakness, but I like to help myself. Sometimes, there is some life saving advice in those pages. I also love reading in general, especially if I can escape whatever thoughts aren’t helping at the moment. While reading is wonderful, I love it when I get to escape for real, on a four wheel drive road, to experience some actual self-help wisdom from mountains and waterfalls.

If you ever have the chance to go on a drive (with an expert driver) from Silverton to Lake City, count the waterfalls you see. It’s almost like the license plate game, but much more inspiring. This portion of the Alpine Loop is by far one of my favorite off road adventures. It has a lot to do with the fact that it is a loop and not a there and back. It comforts my need to “get more done,” that you just don’t get traveling back on the same road you went in on.

Rough roads

The rough and untamed old road over Engineer Pass and back through Cinnamon is not your average jaunt over the hills and through the woods. People die on this route all the time. It’s steep and narrow, and there are no guard rails to stand between you and a whole lot of harm’s way. A simple mistake could result in a major tragedy. Some river crossings could be shallow and easily traversed in the morning hours, only to be raging rivers, and impassible that same afternoon.

As any good passenger, I am totally engaged in the scenery, pointing out the amazing waterfalls in every direction, and searching for wildlife. I don’t like driving for this reason. You just miss so much, staring at the road all the time. Thank goodness my husband loves to drive. We make a good team.

  • From Lake City to Silverton
  • Waterfall on the way to Lake City
  • Avalanche blocks the route from Silverton to Engineer
Waterfall science

The abundance of waterfalls we saw on this drive is more than just the fact that snow was melting. There are waterfalls big and small around almost every corner in this part of Colorado. I just learned you can’t even help but feel calm and peaceful when you are near waterfalls. The constant flow of water over the rocks are releasing negative ions that our bodies take in as positive energy. I dare you to just try and be grouchy the next time your near a waterfall. You just scientifically can’t do it. Don’t believe me? Check out this website. (They are trying to explore the world one waterfall at a time.)

Did you know that someone who loves waterfalls a cataractophile? And someone who loves trees is called a dendrophile? If you love the sun, you are a heliophile, and a pluviophile if you love rain. Words are cool, and we get to make them up. Still, it’s hard to describe in words the emotions you feel in the mountains.

My hubs, Jason, driving the high elevation near Silverton.
Mountain top perspective

The peak of the mountain is always a natural stopping place for people to take in the views. On the Lake City loop, there are several opportunities to park and gain some perspective. Usually you can see where you came from, and where your headed, and a whole lot more. It looks a little like opportunities and possibility, and feels alot like being small and sorting out priorities.

Reaching the top is awesome, but it’s usually pretty cold and windy so we move along after a few moments. And also, there are no waterfalls at the top. I don’t know which I like better, mountain tops or waterfalls. Each hold significant value on our round trip from Silverton to Lake City. The cool thing is we get to experience both.

We spend a lot of our free time getting out in the mountains. Even if there aren’t any waterfalls or mountain tops, it always manages to help us get our heads straight and our hearts balanced.

Having lived in Durango, CO for so long, I am still overwhelmed by how much there is to see, and lucky I am to be able to experience so much. If you are interested in learning more, check out this post on the best places to Paddle board in my area. Please reach out to me, or a leave a comment below to share ideas on the best places to get some perspective or gain a little peace.

Rachel

Climbing up on the tire offers even more perspective.

Flat Water Paddling in Durango, Colorado

How paddle boarding is helping me disconnect from stress and reconnect to the people and places I love.

Dang it! The fin on my board is broken and flat water paddling season is just getting started!

I would be more upset about this, but I’m too excited about all the people I am slowly persuading to try out the sport by lending out my board. I am secretly building a paddle board gang that I hope will start wearing matching swim shorts and using slang paddle board language.

Yes, my fin will have to be replaced, but my husband finally got out on my board, and probably even enjoyed it. Not only will I have swayed him into connecting with the flat water promised land (can land be water?), I have also gotten my children, my friend’s children, and most recently my sister-in-law’s children into the sport.

Surf’s up

Paddle boarding is really modified surfing. Us mountain people are trying to pretend that we have an ocean, or that we are cool enough to be surfers. I often wish I lived near an ocean because I long for that meditative ebb and flow of the waves to connect and align my breath. I want to stare out over the water and see endless horizons, where sky meets water and contemplate life’s mysteries.

Still, there’s something terrifying about getting too far away from shore. I am more of a cautious adventurer. I used to think I was kind of a mermaid, until my husband had to pull me from a tangling mess of baby waves in Newport Beach surf during our honeymoon. Also, there are sharks in the ocean.

Still, paddling a lake or placid river makes me feel like I belong somehow. Putting your ore in and pushing away is proof that you are willfully disconnecting from safety and stability. Most importantly, you are opening yourself up to the stillness, building your relationship with the water. I think this is what hanging ten is like, a little.

So, in an effort to build my gang, as I mentioned earlier, here are my top three places to catch some waves, I mean float peacefully, in my #hometown.

My 3 favorite Places to Paddle in Durango, Colorado
Animas River

My all time favorite place to flat water paddle is hands down the Animas River. Yes, I said flat water. I recently saw some crazy guys doing some actual surfing in wet suits on the huge waves of the Animas. This is not what I am talking about. The river is high, I am waiting for the stillness.

Just behind North City Market, you will find the drop off point for the rafting companies. There is rarely ever parking here, but get there on a weekday, early, and it should be available.

The first time I put my board in here, I knew lots of people visited this area to play. What I didn’t know, was that you could paddle up river for about an hour on flat water to reach a sandy beach. What I love about this is not only is it an excellent workout, but it has a destination! Paddling around a lake has its own rewards, but this is almost like going on a trail run! Round trips are my favorite, but I’ll take a there and back any day. Plus, the way back is so easy!

Even more surprising is that I had been to this location several times and had no idea. I’m not sure if I am disappointed, or elated. Loving your community means seeing old things with new eyes, in new ways, or even discovering them for the first time. I recently wrote about this in my post about staycations.

Lake Nighthorse

Ya know those turquoise waters in all the Pinterest posts showing beautiful exotic tropical locations? Lake Nighthorse is almost like that. The water is at least 20 degrees cooler than tropical waters, but man is it blue. We don’t get as much of that in the Animas.

Nighthorse is a mere 5 minutes from downtown Durango! With an $8 day pass, you can get your board out onto those crystal clear waters. It is even wakeless on Mondays and Wednesdays. Don’t get me wrong, we enjoy our wakeboarding and boating days, but as a paddler, its cool to have the whole lake to yourself. They also have great bathrooms!

Just don’t expect to get a great beachy area to have lunch or park your board. I usually park by the boat ramp so I don’t have to carry my board too far. This lake is also a bit windy at times, but there is a water break and fun wakeless area here. Nighthorse has been my go to paddle haven since it stopped snowing in late May.

Pastorius Reservoir

Definitely one of the most secret places to bring your board within 10 minutes of Durango is Pastorius. This site has a technical description and directions. It is literally nestled inside of ranches and homesteads on a little known county road. Its a farely shallow lake which makes for smooth waters almost all the time. In a drought year, this lake is very low and probably not as pleasant.

A local favorite for fishing, it has only recently been discovered by paddle boarders, or maybe just me. I had been here several times for fishing, but hadn’t seen any paddlers until this summer. It costs nothing as of this writing to play here, but there are very little amenities and no bathrooms.

Want to join my gang?

Hit me up on my Instagram account @rachelwhatif, or email me at hello@rachelwhatif.com to find out about the matching shorts.

Three reasons a staycation may be better than a vacation.

Awe, just look at those pictures on Insta of your friends smiling in the pool, in Italy, with drinks, and tans. Yay them.

Ok, in all honesty, I do have an awesome trip planned, but its not happening until the end of November. That’s like Christmas. It might as well be an eternity away. But, I am not going to let this summer go by without at least pretending to be on vacation.

In the following, I have listed three reasons a staycation can be a more rewarding experience than traveling, or it is validation you can use to explain to your friends why you never go anywhere. Either way, no matter where you spend most of your time, you can be reminded of how and why you landed in your hometown in the first place.

You are an expert

No more FOMO for you! There is so much pressure on vacation to find the places only the locals know. Or to see as much as possible considering the price you paid to get there. When I took my family on our first ever tropical vacation last year, I had so much anxiety about trying to squeeze in everything, I actually cried when all they wanted to do was nap in the rental one of the days. Don’t even ask me about the hour and a half drive to see the amazing monkey preserve to pull up to a run down shack, in a shady part of the middle of nowhere.

Sure, trying new foods and changing up the view reminds us how awesome and diverse the world is, but there is nothing like the satisfaction of already knowing where to get those delish organic green smoothies, what time the absolute best breakfast burritos are sold out, and not having to open google maps every time you leave the hotel.

It’s more than a little ego boost to know the smoothest waters to take your paddle board, where to see the most inspiring sunsets, and the back roads to take to avoid the summertime traffic.

Learn about the tourists

My default mode seems to be set on the ‘I prefer to be alone’ setting. I love to be alone, until I don’t. When people travel, they simply cannot isolate themselves because of then unfamiliar environment. There is no choice but to ask for help. It may be directions, help with a menu, currency questions, and many other basic tasks. Asking for help opens us up and humbles us to be teachable. People naturally like to help each other.

When we are comfortable, know where we are going and what we need, we rarely interact with others that we don’t know. You probably can’t relate, but some people even pretend not to see people they know when they’re running errands, simply because they don’t have the time to chat. The nerve! (insert winky face emoji here)

Because you are now planning your hometown staycation, schedule in some opportunities to talk to people you don’t know. Ask where they are from, and maybe what has brought them to your part of the world. Remember, this is a vacation, so your are not busy running errands. Be friendly. How cool would it be to know you were that nice girl who told them about the awesome mine tour they experienced, and the local handcrafted soda brewing tour.

Look for “Invisible” stuff

I have this weird fascination with Bigfoot, but not for the reasons you might think. I love the mystery of it. There is no solid, scientific evidence that Bigfoot exists, but here’s the cool part: There is no solid, scientific evidence that Bigfoot doesn’t exist. Uh huh. See what I did there? That’s the magic. It’s not that I think he’s out there, trying to eat campers, it’s that he might be.

The point is, ever since I started sharing my fascination, people starting popping out of the woodwork, telling me that they are “believers”. I’ve been gifted several Bigfoot collectors items, that I totally love, even though I consider myself an anti-collector. There is even a Bigfoot believers conference somewhere up north I’ve been invited to. I’m in the tribe ya’ll! Who wouldn’t want to be an exclusive member of a tribe like this? I even have the t-shirt.

There are tribes of people doing the coolest stuff in every corner of the world. You can find them on social media, a google search, or just going for a walk with your eyes open. I even found the cutest little tribe of fairy house builders right down 3rd Avenue, in my town, that several locals don’t even know is there! What the ….? A whole fairy community. Invisible! Awesome.

Cheapest, Endless, Instagram Worthy

My heading was not just a bunch of keywords thrown together to get your attention. Ok, yes it was.

Traveling is a dream of mine so I won’t sit here and try to make it sound incredibly dull and not worth the money. What I hope to do though is inspire you to be excited about where you spend most of your time. From now on, I will use the hashtag #hometown, #durangocolorado or #staycation to post on Instagram for ideas. Will you do that too?

I am so grateful to live almost all my days in this gorgeous place, interact with interesting and unique people, and feel like I am an expert on local favorites.

If you have been following my story, you know I am transitioning from teaching to writing. I would love to hear your ideas about staycations, travel, education, and writing in the comments below!

Reach out to me at hello@rachelwhatif.com with your story or ideas for a stay-cation.

Leaving Teaching

How quitting my job is helping me break negative cycles.

I put in my notice to leave teaching right after spring break, and have been a mess ever since. Actually, my mental mess went from a ‘little untidy’ to something that could resemble a hoarder’s episode, with piles of trash and old food, and rare items I might want to collect.

The process of leaving teaching has been an emotional roller coaster wreck. There is a reason a two week notice should be only two weeks. Going through months of explanations of why I was leaving was like tearing off a very large band-aid very very very slowly. Perhaps you could understand this if you have ever had a break up with someone, but then continued to live with them for months until one of you could find a new place. Yeah, more like that.

Needless to say, I have had more than enough time to reflect on the decision, justify it to myself and others, and rationalize the many reasons for it. One of the biggest discoveries I have made, is that life is lived in cycles. (Yes, I know that is a huge epiphany I just had, but there are so many levels to learning, and I am having a hard time getting past level one.) Some cycles are necessary to sustain life, and some are like a super annoying song you can never get out of your head.

The following is an illustration of the emotional cycle I am currently in, but also hoping to break.

When excitement becomes anxiety

The feelings of panic and anxiety were quieter when I first started my student teaching 5 years ago. I knew it was normal to feel uneasy when starting out as a new teacher. If you search the internet for new teacher memes, there are plenty of references to drowning, drinking, and trying to build things while flying and being on fire. Generally, its a hilarious, hopeless, and still somehow exciting challenge to take on a classroom full of unpredictable, emotional, and eager to please humans.

But, when the feelings of panic and anxiety grow with every parent teacher conference, state testing window, and every single Sunday evening, things are out of alignment. When you are out of alignment, no amount of meditation or medication will magically move you into believing this is the right path for your life. The decision to leave was not actually the difficult part. I knew before I began that it wasn’t the right fit for me. The difficult part has and will always be the disappointment I would face from myself, my family, and my colleagues.

When anxiety becomes disappointment

Disappointment is defined as “sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations,” according to Google. Interestingly, success is listed as the antonym for disappointment. (I’m disappointed in that.) Quitting my job can be summed up so far as a general feeling of disappointment. Did I say disappointment? Yes, I am so disappointed that my hopes and expectations were not fulfilled.

To be clear, this is no fault of the people I worked with, or the students and families I served. Each year, I loved my students (even the harder ones), loved the content, and brought everything I had to each day. My walls were decorated with Bigfoot references, paper airplanes, and heartfelt notes of appreciation from students and parents. The priorities in my classroom were to be kind and have fun.

My family and colleagues have all been wonderful and supportive of me over the years as well. When I say I disappointed them, I mean they have felt the discomfort of my inability to cope and make changes quickly.

Still, the disappointment is there. It’s there because I realized my hopes and expectations for teaching were unrealistic. I made up some things in my mind that education could be what I wanted it to be. That I could rise to the top, change lives, change the world. It was naive of me to think I could do all this, while raising a family, contributing to my marriage, running a business, and still feeling a sense of creative freedom and purpose each day. I know there are people out there who are crushing it in these areas. My job is not to be them, it is to be me.

When disappointment becomes compassion

The best piece of advice I have heard since leaving the classroom has been to be compassionate with myself. To give myself space and time to think and relax. To be open to whatever is next. Disappointment can be a natural part of any loss, or break up, or transition. It can also make you believe you should say no to more things. To protect yourself from further disappointment, and to be more cautious about your decisions and investments. What I have found, is that this can be a slippery slope toward depression and hopelessness.

I am so grateful to have been part of a profession of service. I will apply the lessons I learned about myself, effective teaching, and how people learn for the rest of my life. Schools are strange and unique little worlds where you can believe in impossible things, practice being empathetic humans, and discover opportunities. I don’t know how I can replace the priceless moments when a student shares something he is thinking that embodies all the hope of the future.

When compassion becomes excitement

So, now, here I am. Sitting in the library, trying to write my feelings about this huge thing I have just done but not realized. I still have student loans to pay, I am 41 years old, but I don’t really feel like it’s starting over. I am trying to combat the disappointment part by re framing teaching as an important step I need to achieve whatever is next. I don’t know exactly where this path is leading. What I do know is that it will not be in circles. I will not play the same songs over and over again in my mind, and allow my bad habits to control my life.

Excitement is the opposite of depression and a synonym for happiness, or something like that, so says lots of self help books. What am I excited about? I don’t know yet, but mostly it is that I can choose. I am in a wonderful position to choose what is next. I will say no to a lot of things because I am now more cautious and wise as a result of this life change. However, I hope I will say yes to all the things I never wanted to say no to before it.

What are you excited about? Have you made any big changes in your life? Let me know in the comments below, and thanks for reading

How a small change led to big surprises

We all know everyone really wants sweatpants to become so totally in fashion that you could wear them to every event, and be completely admired for your “unique style,” and also taken seriously at important business meetings. It’s an important goal that I fully intend to create a sweatpants style movement when I become a household name. Passionate dreams aside, another lesson was recently learned about how having the right tools is sometimes an overlooked, but critical component to overcoming challenges.

New goals, New tools

I have run 5ks, 10ks, relay races, 18 miles over rugged mountain passes, a marathon, triathlons,and obstacle course races. However, almost 3 years ago, I joined the crossfit craze and totally love it. The idea that I wanted to be able to do pullups is what motivated me to join.  I knew I could do it if I learned the proper form, built the strength, and worked at it. After all this time, I am finally able to do one actual pull up without assistance. I’m still working on it. Turns out it takes a whole lot of practice and consistency to master this skill. Who knew?

I don’t really understand why pull-ups are so challenging to master, I guess it’s because you have to lift your entire body weight using nothing but your little-used upper body muscles. Oh, and there is also gravity. I could try to lose a little weight to make it easier, but that has proven to be something in the “too hard” category. Please see my previous post about the difference between hard things and challenging things. Although I am still working on this goal, something interesting has happened as an unexpected benefit. I can climb a rope. This has come as a total and complete, wonderfully blissful surprise. Surely, all the pull up practice has contributed to this success, but there is one other thing that proved to be the key to the climb: the shoes.

Running shoes are not for everything

As a runner, I was a bit picky about the brand of shoes I would run in.  I have never been that girl who would spend more than $75 on a pair of running shoes.  For a casual runner like me, you can usually find a great pair for around $50 or less. There is no need to drop over $100 . Getting to the point. One day, I just decided to get a pair of shoes for Crossfit.  Crossfit shoes should have a lot less support. This allows you to distribute your weight onto your heels more when you lift. Running shoes vary in the amount of support that they offer, and it depends on whether you run asphalt, trails, indoors, or on a track. Personally, I generally choose shoes with a bit more support to protect my joints and lots of traction for trails and dirt roads. When my shoes kept getting caught in the jump rope or bands, I knew it was time for a change.

Impress yourself

The day came when rope climbs were scheduled as part of the WOD (Workout of the Day). There is not really an opt out button on Crossfit workouts unless you are injured in some way, and it’s beside the point anyway. The modification for climbing the rope still involves holding the rope, which is brilliant because it encourages you to give it a try and at least practice the form. It’s so powerful to put people in a position where they are willing to take a risk. With my super cute, light new shoes, I got myself into position to try a little pull. When I pushed down on the rope between my feet, they stuck! I had never been able to get a good grip with my feet before. That was truly all I needed, and up the rope I went. You can’t imagine the feeling of pride you have in yourself when you accomplish something like this.

It is such a cool feeling when you impress yourself. When was the last time you gave yourself a little internal fist bump? Sometimes its a matter of just putting the right tools in place to move you closer to your goals. Switching from running shoes to Crossfit shoes turned out to be a small shift that yielded awesome results. I’m still looking for ways to incorporate sweat pants into all of my problem solving adventures. Let me know in the comments how sweat pants have solved some of your problems.  What other tools are you putting into place to set yourself up to be impressed?

Is consistency the path to success, or is it commitment?

I am kind of fascinated with tattoos. I don’t have any, but when I see people who do have them, I instantly try to evaluate what kind of person they are. What character trait do they possess that I do not? I’d like to think its commitment, but I think I am committed to a lot of things. What is the difference between commitment and consistency? Maybe I am more consistent than committed. I know I am consistent because I have exercised at least 3 times a week, every week for the last 20 years. I’ve been married to the same awesome person for 20 years. I eat almost the same foods everyday. I am probably the most predictable person you would ever meet. Just writing that made me yawn.

Stuck Between Commitment and Consistency

Commitment implies dedication. I’m not sure what this has to do with having tattoos, except when you get something permanently etched on your skin, you should probably be dedicated to it. I’m having trouble figuring out what it is that I am dedicated to. Other words pop up when you look for the meaning of dedication: enthusiasm, tenacity. These are not synonyms for consistency. I wonder if I could somehow use my powers of consistency to be more committed, dedicated, and enthusiastic. I also really want for someone to describe me as tenacious. It just sounds really cool. “That Rachel, she is tenacious.”

I already grew up. My body stopped growing automatically around 20 years ago (20 years seems to be a theme here). Still, I keep wondering why I feel like I am not growing into the person I wish I was. I do read, a lot, and I know I am getting smarter with age, or hopefully, wiser. I am slightly better at making decisions than I used to be. I am a little more responsible than I used to be. Some things have become easier over the years. Teaching has become lots easier because I do it almost every day. Unfortunately, when something becomes easier, it doesn’t mean more fulfilling. Dang it. It turns out I am one of those people who needs challenges to feel like my life has meaning, and to feel that I am still growing.

Stuck Between a Challenge and a Hard Thing

I want to be clear here, I don’t like it when things are hard. Hard and challenging are two very separate things in my book. When I think of hard, I think cement, stony, unbreakable. It makes me tired just thinking about it. There are lots of things in life I consider hard: changing other people, changing the education system, following politics in a coherent way, and lots of other things out of my control. I don’t even like the word-hard. Its not creative. If you look up its word origins, it hasn’t changed at all over time. It just means hard. Like a rock. Now the word challenging, here’s a word I can get behind. Its complex, has multiple meanings, is beautiful, and has a story. It has evolved from the ugly definition of “false accusation” to the now much more recognizable “call to fight.” It is a call to action. This word has a hero’s journey. I envision myself a warrior when I have tackled a challenge. When something is hard, I bang my head up against it until I learn a lesson and walk away.

Sometimes a hard thing looks like a challenge from a far. The closer you get, the more you realize it is probably not worth your time and effort. I know there are many who would disagree, and this could be my avoidance skill coming in to play. Its all about perspective. It all lies in what I choose to view as a challenge, and what I understand to be impossible. Ideally, there should be more challenges than hard things.

Consistently Committed

Remember when I said I was probably the most consistent person I know? Turns out, I am mostly consistent. Just because I exercise every day, brush my teeth everyday, and generally try to do the things to keep myself functioning everyday, does not mean I am consistently moving myself toward success. I have fallen into the procrastination trap too many times when it comes to doing the more challenging things every day. Its time to level up my game, and commit to my goals every single day.I

What are you going to be more consistently committed to? Do you have any tattoos to remind you of those things? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!