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Why Goals are Not about Finish Lines

What if there are no finish lines?

I love Crossfit. I just completed a workout and feel exhausted and grateful that I didn’t throw up. I used to be a runner. I have run several races of all different kinds. The most challenging being the Imogene pass run which challenges crazies to traverse a mountain peak from Ouray, Colorado to Telluride climbing to 13,114 feet in elevation and totaling 17.1 miles. My best time (out of 4 attempts) hovered around 4 excruciating, exhilarating hours. The fourth time I participated in this feat, I remember laying on the grass at the finish, wondering where the nearest hospital was, and what they could do to save me from dying. Needless to say, the fourth was my last. I’ve also run the Ragnar series twice, several half marathons, a full marathon, some triathlons, and most recently, a Spartan sprint.

Saying I used to be a runner makes me a little sad. I guess I will always be a runner in my heart, but I think my days of competing in races are behind me, aside from the annual Silverton Fourth of July 10K. Racing was the metric I used to measure my training, and it gave meaning to all that time and effort. I loved feeling like a part of something bigger, a culture to ascribe to, although a bit isolating. Even while participating in all those events, I didn’t feel enough. I never won. I never lost. No one knew me, I ran alone. I was comfortable here, until I wasn’t. Running was filling a need for me, but not the ones I really wanted to fill. Crossfit fills those needs almost every time I step into the gym, and then some.

The workout today was deceiving in that it looked doable: 4 rounds for time: 27 Box Jumps, 20 burpees, and 11 squat cleans. This is “Klepto” named for U.S. Air force Major David “Klepto” Brodeur, who was killed in Afghanistan on 4-27-2011, hence the number of rounds and reps in the workout. After the first round, I knew I would once again need to find the power in my mental space to focus and finish. “Just don’t stop,” “Just do 5,” or “If they can do that, I can do this,” are my mantras when I get into these tough workouts. These dedicated workouts present a unique opportunity to participate in something bigger than self. How else would I feel a small connection to a fallen soldier? I have a deep respect, as most do, for people who are called to serve in the military. Once upon a time I thought I would serve but my heart couldn’t follow through. It wasn’t right for me.

My Crossfit community is a model for what communities should be. People remember my name, and I am truly trying to remember theirs. I am there for myself, but also for them. When someone is struggling through, we are cheering their name. The coaches see me, they know my ability, they know when I am hiding from my goals. They celebrate with me when I PR. We all want to be better today than we were yesterday. Maybe best of all, it works.

As much as I loved it, running never helped me do pull-ups. Pull-ups are the impossible task I have held in high esteem forever. Anyone who can do a pull up, let alone any number of consecutive pull ups are practically elite athletes in my book. I started Crossfit almost three years ago, and a pull up, without assistance eludes me. Still, I haven’t given up, and to my surprise and delight, this may just be the year for me. The pull-up year. I’m getting closer. Turns out there is actually a progression for these things. You set a goal, you make progress, don’t give up, and guess what? You achieve it. My goals used to involve finish lines, now they involve pull-up bars. I don’t think I even believe in finish lines anymore.

Your Strength is Your Gift

What if I have no gifts to bring? I am a terrible gift giver. The worst. I hate shopping for others because I don’t know what they need. I also hate giving stuff that will just sit around their house and clutter their lives. Does anyone really need more stuff?

I am currently reading Greg McKeown’s book Essentialism and seeing myself in it’s pages. Throughout my life, I have been more of an observer than a doer. Just admitting that gives me a twinge of disappointment. I know I cannot be successful or fulfilled in life by being passive. Still, there is tremendous value in watching and learning from others through their actions, choices, and beliefs. Often, I am accused of being emotionally unavailable because I choose not to engage in conversations, or don’t feel the need to participate in discussions. I usually feel I have nothing of value to bring to the table, or there isn’t anything valuable on the table already.

I love to listen to podcasts and read books. I truly feel I am engaging in conversations every time I find a great book or listen to a wonderful interview. McKeown’s book validates my philosophy that not everything matters. In fact, very little matters. McKeown writes about “learning to discern what is absolutely essential, and eliminating everything else, in order to make the highest possible contribution toward the things that really matter.” It is so comforting to know that what I can sometimes view as a weakness in myself, can be a great strength. Having a strength means having something to give.

Over the last couple of years, I have learned what anxiety is and what it feels like to have panic attacks. I was first in denial about these episodes, and thought I was somehow being dramatic, or overly emotional about my circumstances. I was overthinking my life, and therefore panicking about it. Now I realize that anxiety, depression, and panic are physical responses to emotional problems. In a way, yes I was overthinking my life, but in a good way. It forced me to recognize how important it is to listen and respond to your physical responses to stress, overwhelm, and fear. These have been “wake up” signals from my body. The signal was saying “Your actions are not aligned with your beliefs.”

Essentialism asks the question, “What does this mean, and why does this matter?” One thing that attracted me to the teaching profession was the potential to matter. I need my work, my time, and my effort to matter. Education may be one of the only things that truly matters to me, aside from love, connection, and freedom. I know what I do each day with my students matters to them. I am, however, a little disoriented in the meaning my position has for me and my family at this critical time in our lives. My son will be finishing his junior year of high school, and my daughter will be beginning high school. How have I served them? Am I a resource for them? Do they know their worth and potential? What have they learned from me? What will I continue to teach them in the years to come, while they are beginning their independent lives?

I want to make a meaningful contribution with the time I have, especially to those that matter most in my life. Anyone who knows me knows I am busy. With two businesses to run, a full time teaching position, two teenagers, a home, and several other aspects of the American dream to maintain, I have officially placed myself exactly where most of us believe is “The way to fulfillment.” Filling my life with busy is not meaningful, nor is it making a contribution in the way that I would like. I will continue to be a powerful observer, see what is not being seen, and listen to what isn’t being heard. I will be disciplined in my pursuit of participation in ways that are authentic and healthy in order to give what is only mine to give.

person s holds brown gift box — Photo by Kim Stiver on Pexels.com

Why having a mascot makes a “Big Impact”

What if Bigfoot is real? I know, I know. Stay with me here. For years I have used Bigfoot as a symbol of my philosophy on life: We don’t know everything. Thank goodness! How boring would life be if there was nothing left to discover? How awesome it is to be wrong sometimes. How fun it is to believe there is something mysterious to discover.

nature walking animal strong — Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

I did my college exhibition on Bigfoot upon completion of my coursework to earn my degree in elementary education. I loved how symbolic and outside the norm this idea was. I dressed up in Sasquatch hunting gear and put together a slideshow (which didn’t work) to demonstrate how passionate some people can be about hunting for Bigfoot. I likened it to teaching in that I wanted to make a “big” impact on the lives of my students, and inspire them to do the same for others. I wanted them to feel a sense of adventure in my class, and to provide “evidence” of their learning along the way. Finally, I explained how scientist are still discovering thousands, yes, thousands, of new species each year!

Now, in my fourth year of teaching, having Bigfoot as a mascot in my classroom each year has provided just what I was hoping it would, and then some. My students feel that they belong to a group that is represented by a mysterious, maybe not so mythical, creature. It has helped create community, but also has inspired them to believe that there is still so much to discover in the world, and beyond. And, its fun. Learning is fun. I hope we all can remember or discover for the first time how fun it is to learn. This is why I wanted to be a teacher in the first place, because I am a learner. I need to learn in order to thrive.

I guess I hope that no one ever truly discovers a Bigfoot. How awful that would be to end this hunt. To conquer a mystery is exciting, but short lived. What if we just let it be and unsolved mystery? Its way more fun to ask questions than to answer them.

What if this is a mental workout?

Ya know how you go to the gym and try all the machines, or run around the track, or go to a class and wonder, “Am I doing this right?”

Maybe you totally have it figured out, but most people are still looking for the “right” fitness plan that will help them feel stronger, look better, and boost their confidence. I speak from about 20 years of experience, teaching fitness classes, running hundreds of races, meditation practices, and of course eating the perfect balance of macros.

I will always do those things. They are critical to my success physically and mentally. I have recently discovered they are not enough. I am using this blog as a place to sort out the thousands of thoughts that run through my head every day. I am using it as a place to get a great workout developing a healthy writing habit.

If you are still reading this, I hope you will consider joining me on this mental fitness journey. I will share what is working, what is a really bad idea (but still worth sharing because it’s funny), and hopefully some content you could use to build your own mental stamina, strength, and overall feel goodness.

Photo by Matheus Bertelli on Pexels.com